The Heartbeat :) 9w2d

It took some digging... but I found the babe's heartbeat :) 

I don't know if it's lack of sleep, hormones or just the final piece of the puzzle but I finally FEEL like we will be bringing a baby home. Like I can finally feel happy. I don't even know how to process it...it feels like a huge wave was just tossed over me of elation to point I"m shaking some where I think my sugar bottomed out... smiles from ear to ear :)

And I'm just going to say for the record I think it's a boy (thought Em was too though). But I can't keep full it seems... its like I'm always hungry or sick feeling, lol. But there are signs that point to girl too.. like acne (blah). Oh let the guessing game begin :)

NOTE the doppler is not counting correctly. I think its just alittle too early for it to read well.

9 Weeks

9 weeks preggo. And it's still just as surreal. The sore boobs, tired feeling that won't go away and nausea remind me it's happening, but it's still not real to me. Been trying and trying to find the heartbeat again with the doppler. I KNOW it's been early so I haven't freaked myself out with it. I've spent enough time watching nurses try to find them, etc that I know even further along it can be a small battle...but I do think one night I heart the wee one dancing (or kickboxing). Whatever it was they were grooving something fierce. I obviously can't feel the movements yet, but I definitely think I heart them.

I've made some new things for the wee one too... I don't have them all pictured so the only one I can share now is the latest blanket. 

The stitch is nice and stretchy yet not too holey at the same time :) It's a bit of an odd shape since when I reached my third skein of yarn I discovered it had been dyed darker and wasn't liking how it was on the blanket so I just made the border with it. But it will grow on me I'm sure. 

Cerclage surgery is March 25th.

Next appointment is in another week.

Reality?

Remember me posting saying I kept waiting on waking up that this was just a dream. I still have yet to shake that feeling. I am pretty sure it's my minds way of protecting me. I mean if I don't get too invested how much can I really loose (I SO KNOW that is not how it's going to go down if something were to happen, but it seems to be the only reason I can muster). I seriously daily seem to forget i'm pregnant. So all the symptoms are there, they make it real, but my mind still is struggling to REALLY grab a hold and realize this is what is happening. I feel like I do after giving birth to Emilie. I took what seemed forever for me to bond. I was waiting daily for something to take her away from me. I hope I can get over this feeling BEFORE this one comes this time... it would be nice to not feel like an awful mother the first month or so of your newborns life. I just don't know what it's going to take. I've told myself from the start I just want to get to the point i can HEAR the heartbeat. We are getting close. I don't mean like one blublup on occasion. I mean hear it anytime I stick the ole doppler there. In theory in another two weeks I should be able to. Maybe then things will change, but until then I sort of hang in this nonreality that my mind has created....which is driving me nuts.

On a side note...

Craving of peanutbutter has seemed to set in and sadly I ate the last of it today :\ I also still really want strawberries but it seems hard to find good non rotten ones. And I REALLY want some roasted red pepper dip...but the local one is creamy and I don't know if I dare eat that with this dairy aversion.

Cerlage Doc Appointment and Ultrasound

So mommy made a booboo today... I put the ultrasound pictures in my pocket thinking I would remember to remove them before I sat in the car... ya I didn't. So they got a little crumbled. Won't be my first mistake I"m sure with you :)

But no really good picture of the baby, but a heartbeat of 178 was a very welcomed sight :)

Tentative cerclage date is March 21st at 12:30. Not loving the middle of the day time since I won't be allowed to EAT all day, but I will take what I can get :) I will be called to confirm it and to set up the pre-appointment, etc.

Everytime I see the little heartbeat I think maybe we will keep this one :) Aww the dream, the hope and perhaps the reality :)

After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks

8 weeks FINALLY

So with the change in my due date came repeating a week... so GOODBYE 7 weeks and welcome 8 :) now I can feel like I'm counting things again :) I sort of had the feeling of been there done that with week 7, lol.

Nothing much to report other than I'm fairly certain I'm still pregnant, nausea I can seem to keep at bay with staying away from certain foods. My stomach always seems sort of questionable but it's okay. Wednesdays are my worst days but I spend some time driving and I wonder if that is not helping it. But oh well I said it earlier that I would rather have the sickies and such to make me think things were progressing and I don't take it back!

We tried out the doppler the other day with Em, she thought it was cool, but we didn't get to hear the baby. I did the night before. It was a very fast little blump blump but it didn't stay on the doppler long, and it took me like 5 minutes to find it with headphones. But Em also liked listening to her own heart and daddy's :)

It hasn't sunk in yet... I know I'm pregnant but it doesn't feel real still... I'm still waiting for the other ball to drop, the bad news to come in... so I just keep pressing on and hoping it won't be the case.

I go see the cerclage doc this week to plan and schedule that. Then I see my normal doc again on the 8th of March, and we will schedule another ultrasound then. So things are indeed happening and progressing it seems.

Another Blanket :)

This one is bigger :) The last one I made a little too small. It MIGHT work for them the baby is just born but not too long after it, lol. I love this yarn it was really nice and soft to work with :) I have some yarn left over so I'm thinking a green hat and some booties to match it :) :)

I have another one going too but it's much larger and taking me what seems like forever to make it...

The heartbeat

So this isn't ours but it looks alot like what ours did :)

132 is a great beat to have at this gestation and isn't considered slow which would keep our chances of miscarriage higher. And in a few weeks I might even be able to get the heart rate to come on my at home doppler :) :) :) 

First Hurdle :) CLEARED :)

So today was the big ultrasound...the one that would show things were going well or NOT.

But we saw a heartbeat. I swear as soon as they stuck that wand there I saw it and just about cried (okay I might have shed a tear). A heartbeat of 132 :) So So happy. And here's the better news:

After heartbeat is detected, risk of miscarriage is 9.4% at 6wks; 4.2% at 7wks; 1.5% at 8wks; 0.5% at 9wks

It's been a long two weeks.... waiting, and even made to wait longer when they took forever to find my paper work. But we are there. :) My due date changed. Not sure I agree with it, but we will go with it for now I guess. I'm a week behind what we thought I was. Not a problem... as long as we have a baby I don't care when they pop out  :)

There isn't much to see on the ultrasound. I know that line down the back is the fetal pole they measured. You can't see if so well but there was also a yolk sac. The sort of large ball I'm sure if mostly head since I think I just read they are more head right now than other things (other things are growing just the head a little faster).

My feelings of doom and gloom

I can't shake it, I can't shake the feelings of doom and gloom. No matter how hard I try to put my faith into my angels telling me THIS IS MY YEAR...I can't shake it. I called today get me HCG results. They were about 48 hours apart perhaps alittle less but only went up about 1000, which doesn't mean it's over, but I wanted to see a nice LARGE number instead. With Em I didn't go up and up that quickly either. But then yesterday my morning sickness sort of took a back seat...so then I worry am I loosing symptoms again? (that was a sure sign with Sage things were over). But I also figured out dairy and water seem to give my tummy the uneasies...so was it that I stayed away from it? Or maybe it was because I sat on the couch most of the day cause I didn't sleep much and so I was tired and didn't want to move. I don't know.

So many out there will say "relax, everything will be okay" "or you can't stop it so why worry".  I can't SHUT IT OFF. I want to. Oh how I wish I could be niave again. Those who have never had a loss have NO IDEA how blissful their pregnancies are...they don't see or understand it. And it's different. Those who have had an early miscarriage seem to regain that blissful peace once out of the first trimester (some do some don't). But for me it never goes away. My first loss was at 29 weeks, a baby who lived for two weeks. We thought she was good to go. Sure a NICU stay but good to go... then she was torn from us just as quick. Then with Em I didn't worry about the first trimester so much. I did but I also could hold on to the fact that I did my time and had my loss, it was time for a healthy baby. And I got her. So when we got pregnant again I felt we were on the path for a repeat Emilie, nope early miscarriage. It's like fate wants to throw all it can at me. So now I lost my small bubble of hope I would never have to do it again. Now I feel doomed to repeat it over and over again. So there is why I feel doomed and gloomed...like no matter how much I want this baby, it's not going to happen.

I fill my days with research, hoping, and just with fluff. I try to distract myself with house cleaning (when I feel alright), reading about what the baby should be doing, etc. I don't know how get out of this bubble. I keep hoping beyond hope I just make it.

This Friday is another ultrasound. With Sage the second ultrasound gave us the horrible news that no baby was to be had. Maybe thats why I feel gloomy... sort of like how I felt right before Emilie's big 20 week one when we found out all was wrong with Kaitlin. Like I expect a repeat outcome. How do you get over that? How do you move past that? I just don't know.

I swore I would try to keep this journal truthful of my internal feelings. I hope someday it might bring comfort to another soul. It's just wishful thinking perhaps, but it might help show someone who feels alone in this they are NOT. I have nothing to hide my feelings are my feelings and no one can take that from me. If you don't like them then don't read the blog.

7 weeks: Symptom Check :)

So my little baby I think is still there and starting to cause me much more grief, lol. Tired is still not the word to describe how I spend the second half of the day (it is fitting for the first half). Then there is constipation....thats just an evil trick your body plays on you I think to prepare you for birth (not that birth hurts the same cause birth hurts far more...but still it's like here...practice pushing why don't you)...my boobies have been nothing but sore, not all the time like at the start but enough I still contemplate cutting them off. HUNGRY... I feel like like cookie monster, the never ending pit of wanting FOOD. I swear is I see it I will eat it, but on the flip side I've lost weight. Then there is this new issue of morning sickness, oh no not morning... everytime I get the slightest bit hungry I feel like I'm going to get sick...so I eat, and eat, and eat some more.... 

Some other things I've been trying very hard to focus on... 

We've officially surpassed when I had cramping and bleeding with Sage. There hasn't been even an ounce of discolored discharge, etc. So this baby hopefully is still tucked in there growing peacefully while it starves me daily. The not cramping and bleeding part I am holding on to as a daily reminder things could be okay. I have another ultrasound this coming Friday, where at this point we should see more (like a heartbeat). 

I'm trying hard to get through each day one day at a time. I didn't receive a call from my doc to go in for more HCG levels... I assume that is a good sign meaning I doubled more than enough and she's happy with it. I figured I would call in tomorrow to find out. My HCG levels at 6 weeks last time with Sage were actually lower than were we are starting now...so things really are looking better. 

Here's a great video I found about the developing baby in me :)