Whirlwind of emotions!

So yesterday I was called with my test results from the blood taken and the ultrasound. I just about freaked out when they said I was measuring 4.7 weeks and I thought I should be 6. Alright I DID freak out. I called back to make sure I heard them correctly even and I messaged my wonderful doctor :) I hope she forgives me nerves this time around.

So here is what I learned...

1. ultrasound techs really don't know what they are talking about all the time and have misinformation. When I went in she said she's seen blighted ovums with a yolk sac, be definition you do NOT have a yolk sac with you have a blighted ovum.

2. nurses at OB offices need to help calm fears a little better. I asked how accurate the ultrasound was and her reply was pretty accurate. So I freaked out. But after researching some... first trimester ultrasounds can be off by up to a week based on measurements being taken wrong or just not a good position, etc. So my 4.7 could be a 5.7 or something in between... When humans do things there is usually always a margin for error and I wish people could just tell me that stuff cause I forgot about it from my first pregnancy.

3. If you know your O date or a guess close to the day you should calculate your due date based on that... cause it pushes mine FOUR days ahead....which means that my ultrasound could indeed be pretty close or atleast closer to my first thought of it being a whole week off. Days off I can handle much easier.

4. I don't think I will relax until I'm out of this first trimester nonsense. I am hoping once we see a heartbeat it will be better, but not counting on that. I want to be able to HEAR it at home with my doppler :)

5. My HCG level around 6 weeks this time was 2391 which is good :)


So yes I freaked out. Anyone who is reading this who has had a loss will understand completely the nerves, anxiety and worry this all can cause. We know we can't stop it, we know we can't do anything to prevent it, but we fear it every second of every moment. I would rather have dealt with the worst pregnancies in terms of me being sick or ill feeling the entire time or this. But this is what I've been dealt, so instead of morning sickness I deal with anxiety and constant worry. I hate it with a passion, but love the idea of expanding my family too much to toss in the towel now. And I don't wish this feeling on another person out there.

Booties

So I will have a winterish baby if this one stuck...at any rate it will be cold enough to warrant feet coverings :) And so I am going to make each month a pair of botties so by the end i should have 9 pairs for this baby to be :) I don't love this pair... love the yarn...just not the outcome of my bootie making... I think I might attempt another set in this yarn, but here is what I have so far :)

Ultrasound Done

So not much to report again, but I'm definitely preggers :) Which was a good find right. We have one gestational sac and what appears to be a yolk sac. So about what we should see. Goal one was sort of accomplished. I didn't want to see an EMPTY sac...and we didn't. I know I will be sent for another one probably in a few weeks so for no we press on :) 

I also had blood drawn to check HCG levels. I can call in a few days for test results. I doubt i will be making it another two weeks before my next appointment, so I will more than likely be calling later this week.

I wanted to add an additional comment...the emotions that came with today are ridiculous. I feel so drained it's not even funny. I could do curl up and just sleep. I spent the morning worrying about what the ultrasound would show. Got there and was worried some that this whole thing was still just a dream and they would stick that thing in me and find nothing, or some sort of mutated thing again. I was worried the drive home because I felt like I should have been able to see MORE. But after doing some research this is about right. This is what a typical 6 week ultrasound looks like. I'm probably right where I should be and should put my faith in my angels who told me this was going to be a good year...I've started the year pregnant...so i'm just hoping beyond hope that this baby will be coming home with us someday alive, healthy and well.

A Sprinkle :)

So tomorrow is the big ole ultrasound. 

Goal 1 is to see a baby this time.

 Goal 2 is to see a heartbeat. 

If we can accomplish those two things I think I will feel better. I can say pregnancy symptoms are NOT going anywhere. I've started in feeling a wee bit sick to the tummy if my tummy is empty... which was a common problem when I was pregnant with Kaitlin and Emilie. Sleepiness is a staple of my day now and my boobs are sore on and off... so these I know are all good signs. With Sage things got seemingly bad all at once and then everything started getting better so I'm thankful for the gradual increase with no relief in site. I welcome it! 

Right now one of the sites I've been reading has told me that the babe is about the size of a sprinkle :) So I wanted to add the visual here :) It also now has started to look more like a baby... with eyes starting to form, nose and even the buds have started. The baby has been busy :)

Fingers crossed tomorrow goes well. I feel confident that if tomorrow does we will be alright, I know that is me being naive....but that is just how I feel right now in this moment.

First Ob Appointment Update

Had the normal first visit things done today, like a paps, filled out a bunch of paperwork, etc. Schedule our first ultrasound for MONDAY :) And did my first round of bloodwork today. So all in all we still don't know much MORE, but ultrasound monday should be telling :) Jason is going to go with me :)

First OB appointment

In many ways I'm glad I'm highrisk... I don't have to wait until my first trimester is almost over to see a doc and potentially my baby :) I know the realities. Like one is that my baby will not even closely resemble a baby today if I have an ultrasound. I will be looking for that oh so promising diamond ring that we had with Emilie. It's where you see the yolk sac and the baby :) So fingers crossed I do indeed today have a sono done. Second I know that I'm pregnant, and that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss... So I keep that in the back of mind as well. Right now I feel like our odds are for us... but you just never know.

A Dream

I had a dream last night that I gave birth and didn't get to see my baby right away. But Jason did. Jason had her. And Jason brought her home to me. I remember running to the car in my jammies excited and full of love already for what it held. Emilie was there too waiting with me. We opened the car up and there she was a perfect little bundle. I changed her, dressed her, held her and proudly shared her with people that came to visit. I was worried I was forgetting her birth however so I kept thinking about how I had to write it down. But she was here.


Is this an omen for a healthy pregnancy? That it's another girl? Who knows.... but I wanted to share :) .

Sticking

I'm very set that this baby is going to stick. I don't know why....but it seems my fear at the moment is gone. I'm happy for that. Not sure how long it will last but lets hope the appointment this friday shows I don't have to worry and we have a little bean sprout in there just dividing cells and growing limbs :)

On a side note however it seems like it's taking FOREVER for Friday to get here!

So....

BLOATED feeling!

Started a blanket :)

So I went to a craft store which is always a dangerous event to start with :) And walked through the aisle of yarn... well aisles really. And I found a combo I wanted to try :) I don't love the yellow but I realized when I had the purple, green and blue in the cart those are the SAME colors I made all of Em's blankets out of :) Which I have more of... but I wanted this one to be just a little different. I also have a variegated that has white with the same color specs I plan to do something with :) Just a simple stitch, the blanket is on the small side too but it's really really stretchy so I think it will be perfect to swaddle a newborn in :) This is my hope blanket... hope this baby will get to snuggle down in.

Why Purple and Green?

So I know purple and green are totally girly colors. I was hoping I could convince myself they weren't but they are. But until we know the gender this blog will remain these colors. Why?

Everytime I've sat down to make our new baby blog I'm always drawn to something. With Sage it was pink and blue and owls. Later it morphed into green and so this could change too. Kaitlin was purple the whole way, and Emilie I did think I started with green and change her to pink once we knew for sure, I also was drawn to bunnies for her. So there is always a pull. This time it was for green and purple. Not sure why, but I would like to take it as a sign...that Kaitlin (purple) and Sage (green) are telling me this one will be alright...that this one will come home happy and healthy like their sister Emilie did. So for now I am going to let the green and purple protect this little bean.

Side note first appointment is Friday of this week. 8 am... hoping for our first ultrasound and to see a baby in there :)

Morning Sickness or GI Bug

Well this has been an interesting start to this pregnancy. I found out I was pregnant cause I felt sick to my stomach...thought I might want to test. It happened to be the day before my mom's birthday and the day before my brother was coming for a visit with his son who I hadn't seen in a year. So it was already a big day.

Since then... our house has indeed fallen to a GI bug. I've had part of it but not the vomitting kind. However I keep feeling sick to my tummy especially in the morning. I didn't have that with the other's so much. I did with Sage but it was evening sickies... so am I seeing the early signs of morning sickness?

There are so many questions, so many things to worry about. so little time while mopping up puke and tears of Emilie who hasn't been as lucky...

I can say one thing for sure... I am TIRED.

So Surreal

I feel very much like i'm swinging in some sort of unknown. You can tell me as many times as you wish to relax, enjoy the pregnancy, everything will be alright, but they are all empty words. Maybe they are words of good intentions, but empty in my ears and heart.

With Kaitlin we feared miscarriage so waited to tell everyone. What did that gain us? Nothing. We lost her at 31 weeks old and were crushed.

With Emilie I was determined to tell the world... I wanted to celebrate every moment pregnant. I was still afraid but a part of me felt I had a free pass, that I wouldn't miscarry. I had already suffered a loss so I wouldn't ever again. So I got through the first trimester with almost no fear. My fear came later as she god bigger the 20 week ultrasound, etc.

Then came Sage. I again felt I was dealt a free pass...but fate has a funny way of pulling tricks. I miscarried. Another little angel, another loss, my small bliss bubble popped forever.

Now we are pregnant again. I'm only 3 days in and I'm terrified. What if this will be repeat of Kaitlin or Sage? Obviously I hope with all my heart it's a repeat of Emilie... but I'm constantly worried. I feel like every morning I should wake up and take a test to just make sure I still am. I sometimes don't think I could be, that it's a mistake the fates have played again. I will eventually go to the doctor the appointment for the 30th the day before my birthday... which should be a good omen right? I have asked to be seen sooner and it's being worked on I think. A blood test might even help queal this ball of fear I'm carrying around.

No one out there will understand these feelings, no one unless they have lived it...you can try but it's impossible to really get it. What should be the happiest moments to come in my days (ultrasounds, tests, heartbeats) will all be filled with anxiety. I don't approach many appointments where I get to see the baby excited anymore, instead it's fear I will walk in and find it's gone, done or never was. How on earth I will get through these next few weeks is beyond me...

I'm lost between worlds. I want to be happy, I want to be excited...but instead there is a permanent cast of grey over me. I love this baby just like I have the rest from the moment the stick turned...but every moment I wait for my world to come crashing down around me again.

It wasn't a dream...

 My heart sank a little this morning when I took the second test and didn't see a second line. But I was just in really really crappy lighting. Once I turned a decent light on it was there, and darker than yesterday. I've never played around with my tests to do the special effects to make a line pop... so I thought why not try that out this morning :) 

Wow

I honestly when I peed on this stick tonight didn't expect this result. We definitely tried like hell this month, but didn't think we did it... thought I had the flu actually... Wow is all I have in me to say. So full of emotions, good and bad.